Tauns’ Blog

3 years before Ben and I were married, we almost kissed.  We almost ended up boyfriend and girlfriend.  We had a moment.  It was on a crisp autumn night and the air smelled of apple cider.  The park was welcoming and the grass was cool and leaves crunchy.  The other guy that came ended up my boyfriend 2 weeks later.  He was the one that broke the moment in which Ben and my souls touched.  The other guy was the one that stopped the kiss.

Ben and I met in the 2nd grade.  I had just moved to South Jordan and he had been living in South Jordan for about a year.  We were in the same class, Mrs. Hamrick.  Neither of us have exceptionally amazing memories of her as a teacher but it is now a sentimental thing to know we knew each other at such a young age.  If I had known my future husband was in that room I would have probably FREAKED out and said something like “ooooh GROSS!”  It is a good thing that future telling wasn’t wasted on me!

We attended all of grade school and middle school together.  We managed to keep our distance but still know of the existence of each other.  In High School we attended the same school as well and this time we had a couple more classes together.  Ben was big into cross country and well I was just awkward and didn’t know where I fit in.  My sophomore year and the first of my junior year was my worse in High School.  It sucked. 

For Ben it was the opposite…those were his best years.  He now will claim the best thing of his senior year was us becoming good friends (he has to say that).   For Ben he does have valid reasons for struggling at the end of his junior year and all his senior year.  Ben was in a major car accident on his 17th birthday his junior year.  That is his story to give…back to the stupid madrigals (not bitter, no not at all).

At the end of my junior year, I was big into choir.  My identity had been formed in a big way around choir and my voice.   My choir director over and over begged me to try out for madrigals.  When I expressed my fear to my teacher, in not so many words he assured me that if I tried out for Madrigals I would be a Madrigal.  He was a liar on that point.  It did get me to sign up, to try out.  Oh the nostalgia!  I would be COOL and people would know that I had a good voice.  In my teenage view only those that make Madrigals have good voices…all other voices were just that voices, they didn’t matter.  If you don’t make Madrigals your voice has to totally suck or be just mediocre enough to make concert choir!  Oh the things that I imagined that were oh so not true!!!! 

After trying out for Madrigals scared to death, the day of doom came.  I remember the day the “people who made it” sheet came out.  I looked at the list with MANY other awe struck seniors…we had NOT made Madrigals!  How could that be?  A more in-depth look at the list REALLY pissed us all off…the people that had taken our spots were next year Juniors.  Kids that would have not only  there Junior year but their Senior year as well.  How could this be?  Well I will tell you (would I do anything different?!?!).  It is actually rather simple, the current Madrigals (outgoing seniors) that helped in the picking had siblings that tried out.  The siblings and sibling friends that had tried out for Madrigals were currently sophmore, would be Juniors.  Those older siblings made a choice; they chose their siblings and siblings friends.  This had a devastating blow to many of the seniors that lost their one and only chance to the Madrigals! 

This was something that I thought for SURE would ruin my senior year of high school.  I couldn’t be more wrong.  As a teenager I thought for SURE that not being in Madrigals would affect the rest of my life.  I was right about it affecting the rest of my life, it just wasn’t in a negative way I thought it would be!

My senior year I had 7 classes each day.  All year long 3 out of the 7 were classes I had were with Ben.  We also had lunch together, we always sat near each other.  For half of the year I also had a morning class with him, making it 4 classes and lunch.  My days were spent with Ben and other great friends that I made.  Some of these friends were in choir with me and some were not.  If I had made Madrigals my entire schedule would have been different.  The classes with Ben would have been diminished to no more than 1 or 2.

All year long I watched the Madrigals and hated them.  I was so jealous yet at the same time.  I hated that they were so full of themselves, their view that they were better than everyone else.  They had the BEST voices in the school, I had a crappy voice; all this was in my head of course.  Over and over when I was told my voice was good I would say, “No it can’t be, I didn’t make madrigals.”

My senior year I started to date one of Ben’s best friends, a non-choir guy.  Had I been in Madrigals this would have been a HUGE no-no.  Dating Z had me hanging out with Ben more.  Ben and I had a love-hate relationship for most of our senior year.  As some things went REALLY south between Ben and his kinda sorta girlfriend, poor Ben was made out to be the bad guy.  The problem of senior year!  I still hung out with Ben here and there.  He came to my birthday party.  I didn’t go to his though   I honestly don’t recall being invited to it!!  They are a whole week apart…I think he was just afraid my party was better than his so he didn’t invite me…he counters to that though

After graduation was when we really became friends.  It was about 1 week after my high school boyfriend Z and I broke up.  Suddenly Ben and I were best friends!  Seriously we went EVERYWHERE together.  I remember one night he picked me up in his dad’s brand new pick-up truck.  I still love when we get a chance to ride in that truck…reminds me of the night I had to snuggle in close to him because there were 4 of us in the cab made for 3. 

For college, I had decided to live at home and go to the community college.  Ben was going to Rexburg, Idaho to attend then Rick’s College (now BYU-Idaho).  Cell phones and free long distance did not exist; however, email was the new up and coming thing (it was 1998 people)!  We emailed daily.  I remember many days sitting in the library emailing Ben back and forth like an IM conversation.  I am pretty sure IM didn’t exist at that point, if it did Ben and I did not know of its existence.

In October 1998 I had a lot of conflicting feelings.  Ben was coming home each weekend and he was my best friend!  The problem was another friend of ours that was going to the community college with me was looking to be a love interest.  I was so confused.  I had feelings for Ben and I had feelings for the other guy.  When Ben said his little red truck was broke down and he wouldn’t be coming home on Halloween weekend, I instantly made a decision to go up and see him.

I don’t recall asking my parents’ permission to go or use their car (which I probably did cause well that was how it was).  I do recall the other guy deciding to come and his parents being less than thrilled over the decision.  The prospective guy, a girl friend J and I hopped in my parents 1995 Ford Taurus and started a 5 hour road trip to Rexburg, Idaho.  On the way up we stopped in Logan, Utah and picked up a friend H.  She wanted to go and see some people in Rexburg as well.

I don’t recall many events other than picking up H and filling the car with gas at this station.  I found it odd that gas was 99.9 cents a gallon and when I put 12 gallons in it came to $12 even…it should have been $11.98 or even $11.99.  I think they were using the rounding system!  Oh well!

I DO recall many feelings that I was going through my head and heart.  I remember the joy I felt as we got closer and closer to where Ben was.  I remember how I was glad that the other guy was there but I kind of had hoped for a weekend away, a weekend with Ben to talk and sort and really know my feelings.

After we picked Ben up from his apartment we went to this small park.  This park holds a lot of sentiment to not only me but to Ben as well.  Upon visiting Rexburg when we were engaged, we ate a picnic breakfast at that park, THE park. 

We were running around and playing.  It had an old metal tilt-a-whirl/merry-go-round.  We played on that like we were 5 again; the metal circle spun in circles until we were all sick to our stomachs.  We swung in the swings and raced down the slides.  After a while we went to explore the park more. 

Ben and I ended up alone together underneath LARGE, old trees.  The leaves crackled under our feet as we ran and chased each other.  It was like being 5 or 6 all over again; the only difference was our light came from the full moon of autumn rather than the blazing sun of summer.

After a couple minutes of running and chasing Ben captured me.  When his arms circled around me, we both lost our balance and ended up in the cool grass.  We laughed and giggled (ok I giggled) and Ben started to tickle me.  From there we were rolling around in the grass tickling and laughing. 

I don’t know what caused it (the moment) but everything suddenly went still.  I looked up and Ben’s face was right there.  His eyes were sparkling.  I don’t have the literary knowledge to illustrate our moment.  I looked in his eyes and he looked in mine.  The current time no longer existed.  I felt warmth, light and sparks but it was a cool October night lit by the moon.  I could see Ben, see his soul, and see him completely.   Years later when I asked him about that moment, Ben concurred he saw the same in me.  The moment was just not my moment, it was our moment.  Time stood still.  Everything around us disappeared.  The only thing that existed in that time was Ben and me. 

It was a romantic movie moment.  You know that moment in which everything stops and stands still right before the love interest couple shares their first kiss and they live happily ever after.  It followed the movie plot perfectly as natures force helped our heads and lips come closer.  I could feel Ben’s warm breath and then suddenly…

“ghmm, ghmmm…”  The other guy was standing about 4 feet away from us and clearing his throat loudly.  I have NO clue how long we had been on the grass having our moment.  I was suddenly cold.  The warmth felt milliseconds before was now gone.  We were part of the real world again.  I have no clue if it had been seconds or minutes of if the other guy had been standing there the whole time or had just walked upon our moment.  I am pretty sure he saw how close the kiss was. 

Ben stood up and helped me up.  We all walked back to the playground together.  We all tried to forget that moment and move on but I didn’t want to.  My life could have been different, completely different in that brief moment. 

Rick’s college had a midnight curfew for all people so we had to get Ben and the other guy back to Ben’s apartment and then go to the place we were staying.

The next morning when we picked Ben and the other guy up it was different.  Ben kept his distance.  I was confused and within a half an hour I had a migraine.  Ben drove the car as I sat in the back trying to figure what the heck was going on.  It took 3 years to get the answer…the other guy had told Ben he was interested and wanted me as a girl friend.  Ben being a good friend and as the great guy he is, backed off.  He convinced himself it was just a “moment in his head” and that it wasn’t mutual.  I convinced myself of the same and we never mentioned it again, well at least until we were dating seriously/engaged.

I dated the other guy but Ben was still my best friend.  The other guy became my boyfriend and I claimed he was my best friend, but he really wasn’t.  I recall MANY weekends of Ben coming home.  I recall how excited I was to see him.  We would always give each other big long hugs.  I remember more than one time sitting on Ben’s lap, laughing.  The other guy would be present and sometimes there was even open seating across the room from Ben but not near him. 

When the other guy and I fought, I went to Ben.  I recall many times sitting on the phone with Ben crying or upset over this or that.  He always listened.  There was even a time or two that he actually took me to the place I wanted to go that the other guy couldn’t or wouldn’t.  Ben got a girl friend in Idaho and more of his weekends home included his girlfriend M.  We still gave the hugs and I still would sit on his lap. 

Looking back I can totally see why she pretty much insisted on coming home with him when he came.  I can see why she felt threatened by me even though I laughed it off when Ben would tell me.   I don’t know if the other guy was jealous of Ben and me.  I do know that girlfriend M was jealous of our relationship. 

In the end, I think that even though we tried to move on past that moment, that point…we couldn’t.  I think our hearts welded together.

Looking back I think, “what if”?  What if our moment hadn’t been interrupted?  What if we had kissed?  Would our future have been ruined or would our story have just started earlier?  I guess the end is all that matters.  We ended up together.  I have Ben for eternity.

Not making Madrigals actually helped my life be where it is now.  If I had been a Madrigal I would not have been in the same classes with Ben, my schedule would have been different my senior year.  I would have been part of the “Mad Group” in High School and Ben wouldn’t have existed in the same way.  I still think Mr. F was a spineless guppy for what he did to so many seniors that year.  I hold no ill will though.  Okay, well not a whole lot of ill will because I do know that being a Madrigal would have ruined the way my life went, the memories I now have!  My senior year was great despite him.

Thank you Mr. F from Copper Hills High.  You spineless guppy of stupid judgment, my life wasn’t completely ruined by you, just my confidence in my voice.  I got over that when I made an audition-only choir in college where there were many more people trying out…it just took years.  I’m serious about the Thank you; it is a true thank you…I just haven’t changed my views of you (and probably never will)!!

Oh and just so everyone here knows…out of my graduating class about 10% married others from the same graduation class.  Another 5% married someone that attended the school within a year or 2 above or below them.  High School really mattered for us; who woulda thunk it?